Episode 5 - The worst day ever.

Hello friends!

This weeks blog post is not a happy one and I've toyed around with the idea of maybe leaving this entry for a private journal because this is incredibly personal and hard. I've decided to share though and hopefully people who are going through the same thing will find solace in the fact that I share your sadness.

My Mum and Dad are officially seperating. My Mum is leaving my Dad. I'm heartbroken and so unbelievably frustrated. At the beginning of summer Mum wanted to leave but she never left, and over time, despite our relationship being incredibly awkward and my parents barely speaking at times, I deluded myself into believing that they would get through this and stay together.
I don't know how to get through this. I think if it was just me it would be easier, but I have a younger brother and two sisters and they are seriously hurting.

Today is the 12th of October and my mum has told us that while she is leaving my dad, she is staying with us in our home until mid January so that she can sort some things out. It sucks, and my Dad is falling apart. Seeing my father cry is undoubtedly the hardest thing I've ever experienced, it just seems so wrong. As the oldest I feel as though I have a real responsibility to be strong and brave but it's not easy at times. My heart is breaking and sometimes it's hard to imagine getting through the pain. Everytime I imagine Christmas, I panic. If mum is here it will be awkward and sad knowing that it is her last Christmas with us a family, and if she is gone it will be unbearable watching my father alone.

There has been so much crying over the last few days and I feel a little drained and empty. I don't know how it's going to get easier while mum is still under this roof plotting and planning her new life. In the movies when two parents sit their children down to tell them they're seperating, one parent usually leaves that same night or the next day. I guess it's not so simple in real life.

I really have hummed and hawed over posting this but it's written now and I might as well. I don't know who reads this blog other than my best friends but if you read this and you are hurting, I hope you find even a smidge of solace in knowing that somebody else feels your pain and knows what you are going through.

Thank you for reading!

Love,
Leighanne x

Episode 4: Personal Space.

Hello again friends!

I cannot believe that a month has passed since my last blog post! To tell you truth, I'm not sure how so much time came between my last post and this one but I think it all started when I got the flu and it all just went downhill from there. Anyway, this time I'd like to write about something I'm sure all of you have an established opinion on - personal space. As I write this blog post I am sitting on a train travelling to Cork where I shall spend the next couple days with my boyfriend, David, as an early anniversary celebration. We will be together five years this year and I believe that warrants some travelling! :)

Personal space has always been important to me, and I can say with absolute certainty that it is one of all time favourite possessions. I suppose this love of privacy and "me-time" stemmed originally from the fact that I grew up in a small house sharing my bedroom with at least two siblings at a time. This meant that everything HAD to be shared and that NOTHING was private. It wasn't until I turned 16 that my demand for my own bedroom was finally heard and I got a whole room in my small house to myself. It was, and I feel still is, the GREATEST gift as privacy and personal space are so incredibly under-rated.

During my time in University, I lived away from home in my own apartment shared with David. It was absolute bliss and we thrived having our seperate "love bubble" from the world. Friends and family came to the apartments regularly but at the end of the day it was always just us, and that allowed me the space to breathe and grow. I loved living in Galway - the city, the noise, the people, the fun, the space - everything but the damn rain really. I became addicted to freedom and the notion of having my own place and my own space.

As with any other addiction, when Galway was removed from my life, it was hell at first. David and I had both finished college and it was too expensive to live in Galway without full time jobs there. We returned to Ennis where my family was and moved back in with them. Our personal space, our "love bubble" and our privacy quickly disintegrated and were replaced forcefully by chaos and madness.

Please don't get me wrong, my family home is wonderful (when things are good) and I do really enjoy being with my family - BUT, after living away from home for four years I had gotten used to the idea of having my own space to return to and my own home to worry about (despite it changing every year for a new place!). Within hours of arriving home for the foreseeable future my sisters had ransacked my wardrobe, desecrated my make up supply and kicked privacy out the door. My parents took ownership of our collection of acquired kitchen utensils and began dishing out a new routine of family dinner duties, electricity bill payments and chores. My brother, who had grown accustomed to being the oldest (and therefore the COOLEST), protested incessantly about my inevitable "mothering" coming back to haunt him. And as you can probably imagine, it was all too much in the beginning as I watched my freedom slip speedily through my fingers.

Two years later and I am still living at home with David, and the family situation is tough. We have our problems, and I struggle every so often with the lack of space. David and I have re-arranged our moving plan so many times now, and each time the date is pushed back I dread thinking about how I will cope having everything thing I do/say/laugh at in earshot until we finally claw back some of our privacy.

Thankfully, and I mean THANKFULLY, I have wonderful friends who generously offer their home to us when they are away so that we can have some personal space and alone time. You wouldn't believe how previous those opportunities are to me and I really cannot thank them enough for being so fantastic - you guys know who you are! :) Weekends away like this are always so welcomed and I know that this anniversary we will be feeling more appreciation than ever. I know that we will eventually have our own place again some day and I know I will just have to be patient until then. I also know that there are people who pray for what I have - a family home filled to the brim with noise and sisters and housework and company. Personal space is little doses like this will do just fine for me right now, and I am pulling up to Cork train station with a smile on my face.

Thanks for reading!
Love Leigh x

Episode 3 - Health

Hello again! Happy Thursday!

For this blog post, I wanted to write about health and what it means to me. It's a complex topic, and seems to be a very loose term in that there's no real definition of it. There are varying explanations, and essentially it's a term I think everyone defines themselves at some point.

To me, health is a combination of things. I don't have a definition as such, but I think its fair to say I would define health as the ability to stay alive for a prolonged period of time. I'm laughing to myself as I write this because its's sounds so silly but I think that is the best way of explaining it. When you picture health, what does it look like? What is the body-type in the image? How old is the person? It is interesting to compare what you see to what someone else sees. Just because a person is overweight does not mean they are unhealthy just as a person being skinny does not mean that they are healthy. I think health is revealed by other elements - skin complexion, energy levels, pain levels, hair and nail strength, etc. With that said, I wanted to write about how I am trying to become healthier, in all aspects, including but certainly not limited to my weight. There is a lot to fix, but I am focused.

Apart from being slightly overweight - okay slightly more than slightly - both of my parents are diabetic. This means that I am automatically predisposed and being overweight doesn't help. In order to keep my weight under control, I don't eat many carbohydrates. Unfortunately however, this is a lot easier said than done as I absolutely adore soda bread and pizza, or a bag of chips on a cold wet day - especially after the beach! My biggest trigger is being out with friends - there are always so many nice things prepared that I just cave in. I also feel that gluten may be an issue for me as my stomach hasn't been dealing with the pizza as well since I cut out carbs. Maybe it is something else, but it's another reason I should be avoiding them. I should let my friends know, this is why my lovely David can sometimes seem not so lovely. He is always trying to keep my bad carb intake in check, as he is the one who has to deal with my complaints afterwards!

Apart from the the predisposition to diabetes and the possible issue with gluten - or should i say on top of? - I also suffer from Psoriasis. Psoriasis is a skin condition similar to eczema. It causes dry, flaky skin that is often irritable, sore and itchy AS HELL. Thankfully, I only have a small patch on the nape of my neck but this has been know to spread like wild fire over my entire scalp when I am dealing with stressful situations. It is treatable, but still incurable. My doctor has previously treated me with coal tar creams and steroids when it is really bad and it frustrates me so much that I keep having to use hardcore medicines to only temporarily solve the problem. A few months ago when I was suffering badly, I began researching alternative ways of treating flare ups, especially through food choices. It seems I have been blind to a well-known secret - Dairy causes a lot of skin problems, not least psoriasis-type problems. After reading the first article, I read two hundred more and decided to try cutting out dairy. Two weeks dairy-free were miraculous. The dry patch had cleared up significantly and even better, it had stopped itching! Since than I have kept dairy omitted from my diet 80% of the time. I still drink one cup of tea a day with regular milk, and I still have cheese on my pizza and occasional toasties but that's it. That mightn't seem like a big change to you, but gosh it was massive for me! The difference it has made has honestly been fantastic. Obviously stressful situations cannot be controlled, and I still flare up badly when the stress hits but it clears up ten times faster now so I hardly even notice it!

Another issue I have relating to my health is acne. All through my teens I suffered horrendously with bad skin and was regularly prescribed anti-biotic creams and capsules. My self esteem hit the floor when I overheard comments being made and when nicknames like 'pizza face' surfaced. When I was sixteen, it was recommended that I start taking the contraceptive pill as I could be in my late twenties before my acne cleared up. The pill certainly helped and I stayed on it for a long time, but the results weren't worth the damage it was causing me in other ways. Since I have cut out sugary carbohydrates and dairy, there has definitely been an improvement. I still get at least one annoying spot a week, and I still use a mild topical anti-biotic for when its really bad but gosh am I happy. My skin is without question 200 times better now than when I was in secondary school.

The final issue I have health wise -that I currently know about! - is low blood sugar. I have always had an issue with blood pressure but it hasn't really been an issue if you know what I mean. It's there in the background, monitored periodically by my doctor but never really something I've had to worry about in the last few years. Being on the pill a few years ago messed around with it but its pretty regular now. The occasional soya latte I have brings it back into check and I go about my day like I never even knew I had blood pressure, let alone a problem with it.

So there you have it - Am I healthy? Yes, which tells you a lot about my personal definition of health. Wanting to be healthy is just as important as being healthy sometimes. Its what encourages you to make the good food decisions, and to put on your raincoat and go outside, and to eat more vegetables and drink more water. Your brain doesn't do it automatically anymore and you have actually have to try.

Basically, trying to be healthy is healthy.
So, I must be an absolute health freak in my book. : D

Thanks for reading guys!
Till next time!

Leighanne x

Episode 2 - Growing up.

Hello again friends!

I thought that my second post could talk about the complexities of moving away, and write about how it feels to have an idea in your mind of when you want to go and then realizing that that means saying goodbye to people. I come from a very close-knit family. There are six of us and we live in each others pockets - we know everything there is to know about everyone. Since I finished college two years ago, I've lived at home with this mad bunch. My Dad, runs his own computer business which operates from my house, and so he is always, always, always around. My Mom, who works in a factory, is home from work most evenings at 5pm. My brother Ross, although in college studying Social Care is home every evening as he commutes. My sister Ericka studies French and Media in university, and she too commutes daily. My little sister Emily, is still in secondary school and therefore is home too. As I said in my previous post, David, my boyfriend lives here too. The point I'm getting at -as I'm sure you're wondering by now!- is that I am used to having my family around me ALL the time and moving away means losing that.

I know, I know, everyone goes through it. I'ts how you grow, and become independent and learn, but it's quite scary. When I lived in Galway while attending college, I came home literally every weekend. I know what I'm about to say will sound crazy to most people, but the longest time I've actually been away from my home is two weeks, and that was only because I was abroad on holidays. Don't get me wrong - I cannot wait to move! Living in a small town has nearly driven me crazy - everything is so clicky and connected, and there can sometimes be this air of helplessness. Everyone has something to complain about, but no one is willing to do anything to change their situation, you know? Despite all this though, there's just something about home. There's something special about knowing your streets so well you could walk them blind-folded. There's something comforting about knowing all of your neighbours, and their children, and their grandchildren and their pets. There is something unbelievably heart-warming about the corner shop staff knowing what you want to buy, or the post man knowing your name, or the fact your old school is up the road. I have such a sense of comfort in this small town, and I think it's fair to say that I have often confused this with predictability. I crave the idea of being a little fish in a big pond, but I know that I will miss the feeling of being in small pond. It's all very confusing, and sometimes I freak out a little when I think about it all.

It probably sounds like I'm never coming home, or that London is a million miles away from here and to some, I may sound dramatic. Of course I plan on coming home! Christmas, birthdays, surprise visits to my best friends.. I'll be back. I just feel in my heart and soul that this whole moving malarkey marks the end of an era. I guess I know deep down that my little town will become a place I visit, and that it's time to find my next home.

I guess I've realised that it's time to grow up, and that's the scariest thing of all.

Thanks for reading! <3

Love,

Leighanne x

Episode One - About me!

Hello!

My name is Leighanne and I have decided to write about my life in the form of this little blog.

I think I will start off with an introduction and let you know a bit about me: My full name is Leighanne Frances Fitzgerald -hence my blogger name; LeighanneFran. I am 22 years old and my birthday is in December. I studied English and Psychological Studies in university and I am hopeful about becoming a Clinical Psychologist in the future. For now though, I make my living by selling clothes and make-up online and I do okay, I suppose. I live in a small town called Ennis in the Southwest of Ireland with my family, my two cats, my four rabbits and my little dog, Taz. My boyfriend of five years, David, lives here too and as you can imagine my house is a pretty hectic place. I must tell you that David wants to be an actor, and having recently been in his first feature-length film has decided that the next stop on his life adventure is London. I have decided to join him, and that my friends is the prerequisite for this blog. I want to document this life-changing experience and share it with my friends and family back home, and hopefully anyone else who would like to come along and learn a few tricks! The departure date currently stands at early September so I think I'm starting this blog at a good time - just as all the craziness starts! I will also be writing a few entries on other parts of my life - the important things like my family, boyfriend, my friends, my attitudes to life, my goals, my plans and my dreams.

Well that's all for today guys - thanks for reading! I will post a picture of myself below so that you guys know who's blabbering you are reading. <3

Love,
Leighanne x